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[30 Jul 2012|01:04am]
Shower in the dark day clean sparks diving down
Cool in the waterway where the baptized drown
Naked in the cold sun breathing life like fire
I thought I was the only one but that was just a lie
Pale in the flare light the scared light cracks and disappears
And leads the scorched ones here
And everywhere no one cares the fire is spreading
And no one wants to speak about it
Down in the hole Jesus tries to crack a smile
Beneath another shovel load

And I heard it in the wind
And I saw it in the sky
And I thought it was the end
I thought it was the 4th of July
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[04 Apr 2011|11:20pm]
I sure could use a vacation from this

Silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.

Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
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[04 Nov 2010|06:44am]
Chest and pelvic scans came back clear, showing no indication of spread. I now have three options; 1. Opt for adjuvent chemotherapy, and lower my chance of relapse by 5%, 2. Opt for adjuvent radiation, which is less extreme, and lower my chance of relapse by about the same, or 3. Surveillance, and keep a steady regiment of blood tests, and ct scans of the chest and pelvic area every 2 months, after the first year. Should be spaced out further, after that, and probably be done every 6 months.

If after five years go by with an "All Clear," I'll be considered cured. No signs of any other carcinogenic development anywhere else, either, which is good.

Can't say I didn't freak out in the CT scanner. One of the scariest experiences I've ever encountered, next to my recent surgery.
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[02 Nov 2010|10:56am]
So I received my pathology reports back from the surgery, and apparently I've been diagnosed with a 100% seminoma carcinoma. This being the "best cancer to get, if you have to get cancer" this would be the "best carcinoma cell to get if you had to get THIS cancer.

I have chest and pelvic x-rays scheduled for tomorrow, so I'm hoping those come back clean. If they do, chances are I've already done all I need to do to fight this thing.

I've seen so much love in the past few months, I'd forgotten how many real friends I have.
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[21 Oct 2010|01:48pm]
Surgery is scheduled for next Tuesday. I feel like I'm on death row or something.
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[07 Oct 2010|08:11pm]
Blood work came back earlier, and the Urologist says it's completely normal.

A very good sign as it means either the tumors are benign, or it's confined to the testicle. Praying for the best outcome here.
1 Added to my story | Write a few lines?

[07 Oct 2010|05:20pm]
So I think I'm going to start keeping some of my thoughts down here on my current situation. Don't have much time to do so in writing like some suggested I do. I'm in for perhaps quite a bit of a battle.

Monday 10/04/10 I was diagnosed with testicular cancer of the left testicle. Currently the only thing they feel comfortable doing is extraction of the affected testicle. There after, a pathology will be done to determine the type of cancer, and perhaps how far it's spread. I had blood work taken Tuesday, and I'm anxiously awaiting the results.

I never thought I would have to face something like this, but everything does happen for a reason. I just hope I caught it early and can go on about my life soon after this.

It definitely has me a bit terrified.
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[16 Jul 2010|07:05pm]
There was a time when I was unhappy with myself. Felt like I would never amount to anything. Felt like I couldn't clear my mind.

That time has passed, and I love the sense of accomplishment from it. From everything.

It's not perfect, but it's getting there.
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[28 Jun 2010|04:32am]
literally killing myself to make a life for myself.

I need a chiropractor.
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[23 Jun 2010|02:34am]
so close... so very very close.
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[11 Jun 2010|03:40pm]
a sweet southern girl with a smile brighter than calcium and eyes so warm, you just have to hold her
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[08 Jun 2010|01:05am]

Once upon a time
I was of the mind
To lay your burden down
Leave you where you stood
You believed I could
You'd seen it done before
I could read your thoughts
And tell you what you saw
And never say a word
But now all that is gone
Over with and done
Never to return

And I can tell you why
people die alone
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Staring at the loss
Looking for the cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned

And I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lived inside my skin

I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun
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[25 May 2010|10:46pm]

Your time is precious.
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[17 May 2010|12:23pm]

you move like I want to
to see like your eyes do
we are downstairs where no one can see
new life break away
tonight I feel like more
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[16 May 2010|02:54pm]

not mine, but very true.
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[13 May 2010|01:35pm]
my fingers hurt from writing so much, and I feel like I keep getting hit by a train, repeatedly.

houses are cheap in the carolinas
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[12 May 2010|02:14pm]
"don't be afraid to fight"
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[05 May 2010|12:21am]

Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could
Recall the moments that once have
Retract the footsteps that brought us to this favor
I wouldn't ask this of you

Run quick, they're behind us
Didn't think we'd ever make it
This close to safety in one piece
But you wanna kill me in the act of what could maybe
Save us from sleep and what we are
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[03 May 2010|10:57am]
My feet are so black and blue

and so are you.
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[02 May 2010|11:51pm]
I've been physically beating myself into the ground daily. I get up, go to the gym, come home, shower, drink lots of water, go to work, go to the gym, come home, sleep, repeat. My arms, and legs are killing me. I don't even know what it's like to sit and eat anymore. I have bruises and cuts all over. My sides are stiff as hell, and I can barely lean forward to touch my toes.

Feels good...

I'm still the optimist

though it is hard.
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